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BLONDE JOKES

 


answer on a blonde's
geometry test

OK, I'm aware of the rule that in polite society one isn't supposed to tell jokes that might upset a particular group of people or reinforce unfair stereotypes, but since it is generally allowed for a person to make fun of themselves, I'll invoke that exception to the polite society rule (since what is left of my hair is a little bit blonde, and I was a lot more blonde when I was younger), and I'll share with you a couple of my favorite blonde jokes. If any of you blondes out there think that you might be offended, please stop reading this page and hop over to my redneck jokes page...

* * * * *

1. A blonde decided to try her luck at ice fishing, so after buying all of the proper gear at the local sporting goods store, she headed toward the closest frozen lake. After setting up and getting comfortable on her stool, she began to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then down from the heavens came a booming voice, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde packed up her gear and then moved down the ice, set up again, and began to cut a new hole in the ice. The voice boomed out again, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde packed up and then moved to the far end of the ice. After she had set up yet again and had started to cut a third hole, the voice from the heavens boomed out yet again, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The blonde became terrified and raised her head and said, ''Is that you, God?'' The voice answered, ''NO. I AM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.''

2. A blind guy sits down at a bar, orders a beer, and asks the barmaid if she wants to hear a blonde joke.
The barmaid takes a shotgun out from under the bar and rack a shell, and then says: "I'm blonde and I have a gun. The two girls sitting to your right are blondes and they are professional tag team wrestlers. The girl sitting to your left is a blonde and is covered with tattoos and rides a Harley. The girl standing behind you right now is my bouncer, and she is also a blonde and has a black belt in karate. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy replies: "Well, not if I'm going to have to repeat it five times."

3. A highway patrolman sees a car blast by him on the freeway, and races to catch up with the speeding car. When it seems to ignore his siren and flashing lights and won't pull over, he pulls alongside it to see who is driving. As he peers through the driver's window, he was astonished to see that the blonde who is driving is also knitting. The furious trooper cranks down his window and screams at the blonde, "Pull over!"
"No!" the blonde screams back, "Scarf!"

4. A brunette is driving on the freeway in a convertible with a blonde passenger. The brunette knows that she's driving well over the speed limit, so she asks the blonde to look back and see if there are any police behind them. The blonde looks back and sees a cop and reports this to the brunette. The brunette then asks if the the police car has its lights on.
The blonde replies: "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No..."

5. Two blondes are flying from New York to Los Angeles for a vacation. They are about half way through the flight when the pilot comes on over the intercom and announces that they have lost an engine, but that it will be okay since they still have three engines but the flight will take an extra hour. A little while later the pilot comes on over the intercom again and announces that they have lost another engine but that they will still be okay and that now the flight will take an extra two hours.
One of the blondes says to the other blonde: "We'd better not lose the last two engines or we will be up here all day!"

6. Two blondes in a parking lot were trying unsuccessfully to unlock the door of their BMW with a coat hanger. They tried repeatedly to get the door unlocked, but they just couldn't! The blonde using the coat hanger stopped for a minute to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Start trying again, please! It's beginning to rain and the top is down."

7. An oldie but a goodie... QUESTION: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to turn the ladder.

8. A brunette and a blonde are walking down the street. The brunette says to the blonde, "Oh my, look! A dead bird!" The blonde looks up in the sky and says, "Where?".

9. A blonde is driving her kids to Disneyland. When they are getting close, she sees a sign on the side of the road that says, "Disneyland Left." So the blonde takes the next exits, turns around, and goes back home.

10. A blonde executive is driving by a park one day when she sees a blonde out in the middle of a dried up pond trying vainly to row a boat. She stops, gets out of her car, and yells at the blonde in the row boat, "It's idiots like you who give blondes a bad name! If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and kick your but!"
 

Famous "DUMB BLONDES"
...who are laughing all the way to the bank!
(but are they really blonde?)

paris hilton, famous dumb blonde

pam anderson, , famous dumb blonde

britney spears, , famous dumb blonde

Paris "dumb blonde" Hilton

Pamela "dumb blonde" Anderson

Britney "dumb blonde" Spears

11. Three women, a blonde and two brunettes, escape from prison. The police are hot on their trail, so they decide to hide in an old abandoned barn. In the barn, they find three burlap sacks, and each of them hide in one of the three sacks. When the police arrive at the barn and start searching it, one of the officers spots the three sacks. He notifies his partner, who tells him to kick each sack to see if the women are in them. The officer kicks the first sack with the brunette in it, and she yells, "MEEYYOOWW!" to which the officer says, "Oh, it's just a cat in there." The officer kicks the second sack with the other brunette in it, and she yells, "RUFF RUFF!", to which the officer says, "Oh, it's just a dog!" Then the officer kicks third sack with the blonde in it, and the blonde yells, "POTATOES!"

12. Did you hear about the blonde... who sold her car to get some money for gas.

13. Did you hear about the blonde... who tripped over a cordless phone.

14. Did you hear about the blonde... who thought a quarterback was a refund.

15. Did you hear about the blonde... who go locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

16. Did you hear about the blonde... who at the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here", wrote "CAPRICORN".

17. Did you hear about the blonde... who put lipstick, eye shadow, and mascara on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

18. Did you hear about the blonde... who told her friend to meet for the start of their morning jog at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

19. Did you hear about the blonde... who studied for her blood test... and still failed.

20. Did you hear about the blonde... whose third grade teacher tried to burn the school down... to get her out of the third grade.

21. Did you hear about the blonde... took a tape measurer to bed with her to see how long she slept for.

22. Question: How does one make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
      Answer: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

23. Question: How does one measure the a blonde's IQ?
      Answer: Put a tire pressure gauge in her ear.

24. Question: How does a blonde spell the word FARM?
      Answer: E-I-E-I-O.

25. Question: Why couldn't the blonde call 911?
      Answer: Because she couldn't find the 11 on the phone.

26. Question: How can you entertain a blonde for the entire day?
      Answer: Give her a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

27. Question: What job did the blonde at the M&M factory have?
      Answer: Proof reader.

28. Question: Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the banana plantation?
      Answer: Because she kept throwing out the bent ones.

29. Question: Why do blondes like lightning so much?
      Answer: Because they think someone keeps taking their picture.

30. Question: Why does it take more time to build a blonde snowman?
      Answer: Because to do it right, you need to hollow out its head.

31. Question: What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
      Answer: Raking up the leaves.

32. Question: Why did the blonde attempt to steal the police car?
      Answer: She saw it had '911' on the back and though it was a Porche.

33. Question: Why do you never see blonde elevator operators?
      Answer: Because they can't remember the route.

34. Question: How did the blond bear get trapped by the hunter?
      Answer: It got its leg caught in a bear trap... It then chewed off its leg, only to discover it was still trapped because it chewed off the wrong leg.

35. Question: What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and a UFO?
      Answer: There have been reports of people seeing UFOs.

36. Question: How can you tell that a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
      Answer: There are M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

37. Question: What do you call a blonde with a briefcase in a tree?
      Answer: A branch manager.

38. Question: What is the definition of eternity?
      Answer: Four blondes at a four-way stop intersection.

39. Question: How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?
      Answer: Tell her a joke on Friday.

40. Question: How does a blonde try to make donuts?
      Answer: By planting cheerios.

41. Question: How do you a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
      Answer: Wave to her.

42. Question: Why couldn't the blonde make ice cubes?
      Answer: She couldn't find the recipe.
  ~ submitted by Steve, your Thursty Toad bartender

42. Question: Why do blondes smile during lightning storms?
      Answer: They think their picture is being taken.

43. Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off of a building, which one would hit the ground first?
      Answer: The brunette because the blonde would stop to ask for directions.

44. Question: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
      Answer: An interpreter.

45. Question: What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
      Answer: Run like hell because that means she has a grenade in her mouth!

46. Question: What does Bones (Star Trek's Dr McCoy) say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
      Answer:  Space. The final frontier...

47. Question: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
      Answer:  A rebel without a clue!

48. Question: Why did the blonde tip-toe quietly past the medicine cabinet?
      Answer: She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

49. A blonde decided to take flying lessons, and went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. The blonde hopped in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 minutes she called the manager over the radio; after the first 10 minutes, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 minutes she reported that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 minutes she didn't check in, so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "I was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."

50. A blonde went to a doctor's office suffering from two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked her, "OK, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other ear?"
The blonde replied, "The jerk called back to see why I screamed!"

51. Did you hear about the poor blonde coyote? She got caught in a trap, chewed off three of her legs, and was still stuck.

52. I saw the following report on the local TV news last night.  A news reporter sadly reported that a local blonde had lost 98% of her brains... her husband had died.

52. A blonde comes home from shopping at the mall all day and finds that her house is on fire. She immediately calls 911 on her cell phone.
"What is the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"My house is on fire!" the blonde screams.
"Okay, stay calm. Where do you live?"
"In my house you idiot!" the blonde replies.
"No, no! How do we get there?" the operator asks.
"Duh! In the Big Red Truck!!"

53. A blonde goes to see a ventriloquist show.
During his show, the ventriloquist has his dummy tell a series of blonde joke.
The crowd howls with laughter at every blonde joke, but the blonde gets angrier and angrier with each joke making fun of her.
Finally, completely livid and thoroughly outraged, the blonde stands up and yells, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
The ventriloquist sees the blonde and replies, "I'm so sorry, lady, but it's just part of the act."
The blonde screams back, "You shut up! I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee!"

54. A newlywed blonde noticed that her new husband was spending a lot of time over at their single neighbor's house, claiming to be helping the woman with her computer. The blonde began to suspect that her husband was cheating on her and was actually sleeping with the neighbor. Confused and upset, she decide to do something the next time her husband went next door. She waited a few minutes, then grabbed the pistol her husband keep in his nightstand. She went next door and snuck into the house. She heard the tell-tale moaning and groining and burst into the master bedroom to find her husband naked on top of the neighbor!  Unable to handle the discovery, the blonde started crying and put the gun to her head.
"Please stop.. don't shoot yourself,"  her surprised husband pleaded!
"Shut up!" replied the distraught blonde, "You're next!"

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