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REDNECK JOKES

 


redneck bar-b-que

OK, I know in polite society that one isn't supposed to tell jokes that may potentially disparage a particular group of people or reinforce unfounded stereotypes, but since it is generally okay for a person to poke fun at themselves, I'll invoke that exception to the polite society rule (since I am certainly part redneck), and I'll share with you a few of my favorite redneck jokes. If any of you rednecks out there think you'll be offended, why don't you stop reading and hop on over to my blonde jokes page...

Are you a redneck?

* * * * *

The Magical CatFish ~ Cletus and Billy Bob are out in their row boat fishing on a lake for catfish one day... They've been fishing since dawn and haven't gotten so much as a bite in four hours. Then Cletus feels a sharp tug on his line, and for the next ten minutes proceeds to pull in a huge fish. When Cletus finally pulls the fish out of the water, he sees it is the ugliest catfish he has ever seen. Much to his and Billy Bob's shock, the catfish speaks. "I am a magical catfish," the fish says, "and if you will let me go, I will grant you one wish." Cletus eagerly frees the magical catfish from the hook and releases him back into the water, and says, "I wish the whole lake would turn into Budweiser!" There is a load clap of thunder as the fish disappears under the water and then miraculously, all the entire lake turns into beer! Billy Bob grabs an oar and smacks Cletus on the head. "What'd you do that for?" yells Cletus at Billy Bob, "I just turned the lake into beer!" "Yes, you idiot," replies Billy Bob, "but now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

Redneck murders ~ Why do homicide detectives dislike investigating redneck murders? Because the victims usually don't have any dental records, and the suspects all have the same DNA.

1. You might be a redneck... If you go to the local dump, and you leave the dump with more than you took there to throw out.

2. You might be a redneck... If any of your relatives ever died after saying, "Hey, guys! Watch this!".

3.You might be a redneck... If your mom called you to ask you to help change a flat tire... on her house.

4. You might be a redneck... If you think fast food is running over a possum at 75 miles per hour.

5. You might be a redneck... If you've ever told your wife to scoot over in bed so there's more room for your dog.

6. You might be a redneck... If your dad walks with you to school because you are in the same grade with him.

7. You might be a redneck... If your pick up truck's color is primer-gray with pinkish-red Bondo highlights.

8. You might be a redneck... If you keep both your hunting dog and your wallet on a chain.

9. You might be a redneck... If you think going to the bath room involves going out back.

10. You might be a redneck... If you think the reason to go to a family reunion is to meet women.
 

Never-Before-Revealed (not) Amazing Redneck Inventions!

the redneck solution to high gas prices

the redneck solution to expensive new technology

the redneck solution to car jacking

redneck hybrid vehicle

redneck flatscreen TV

redneck vehicle security system

11. The young lady asked her redneck lover, "Darling, when we get engaged are you going to give me a ring?" "Sure," he replied. "Tell me your phone number again?"

12. You might be a redneck... If your wife has ever asked you, "Honey, can you please move this f*ing transmission somewhere so I can take a bath?"

13. You might be a redneck... If you refer to the fifth grade as your senior year."

14. You might be a redneck... If your wedding reception was held at the local International House of Pancakes."

15. You might be a redneck... If the blue book for your pick up truck would depend on how much gas you have in it."

16. You might be a redneck... If the Home Shopping TV Channel operator recognizes your voice and greets you by name.

17. You might be a redneck... If your gene pool does not have a deep end.

18. You might be a redneck... If your idea of a fancy date is going "super size" when you order at McDonalds.

19. You might be a redneck... If your living room coach came from a Ford.

20. You might be a redneck... If you mow the grass in your front yard and you find a vehicle.
 

MORE Never-Before-Revealed (not) Amazing Redneck Inventions!

the redneck cake for any occasion!

redneck outdoor fun

rednecks know how to party!

redneck birthday cake

redneck horseshoes

redneck hot tub / jacuzzi

21. You might be a redneck... If your yard looks cleaner AFTER it gets hit by a tornado.

22. You might be a redneck... If you think the last words to the national anthem, the Star Spangled Banner, are "Drivers, start your engines."

23. You might be a redneck... If you live in a $15,000 mobile home and own a $50,000 bass boat.

24. You might be a redneck... If you listen to the police scanner to find out what your relatives are doing.

25. You might be a redneck... If there are more dishes in your kitchen sink than in your kitchen cabinets.

26. You might be a redneck... If less than half of your cars run.

27. You might be a redneck... If goal in life is to some day own a fireworks stand.

28. You might be a redneck... If you got fired from your construction job because of your appearance .

29. You might be a redneck... If your wife's dress shoes have steel toes.

30. You might be a redneck... If you can't marry your sweetheart because it would be against the law.

31. You might be a redneck... If you've been married three times and you still have the same
in-laws.

32. You might be a redneck... If you have a wind chime in your yard made out of empty beer cans.

33. You might be a redneck... If you can change in oil in your pickup truck standing up.

34. You might be a redneck... If strangers regularly knock on your front door to ask if you are having a garage sale.

35. You might be a redneck... If your two year old son has more teeth than you.

36. You might be a redneck... If your mother has a spittoon (even if it is crystal).

37. You might be a redneck... If your masseuse uses hog lard.

38. You might be a redneck... If you've ever tried to rob someone by using a caulk gun.

39. You might be a redneck... If your three-year-old is a proud member of the NRA.

40. You might be a redneck... If people can hear your car coming long before they can see it.

41. You might be a redneck... If the size of your belt buckle exceeds the size of the bottom of your shoe.

42. You might be a redneck... If you have more than three cousins named Rufus.

43. You might be a redneck... If you've ever waited in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

44. You might be a redneck... If your Christmas stocking gets filled with ammo.

45. You might be a redneck... If you keep a can of Raid bug spray on your kitchen table.

46. You might be a redneck... If you have a disassembled motorcycle engine anywhere in your house.

47. You might be a redneck... If rather than washing your bed sheets, you just vacuum your bed.

48. You might be a redneck... If any of your children are named after your hunting dog.

49. You might be a redneck... If any of your children are named after the brand of pickup truck you drive.

50. You might be a redneck... If any of your children are named after the brand of beer you drink.

51. You might be a redneck... If any of your children are named after the brand of tobacco you chew.

52. You might be a redneck... If you played the banjo or harmonica in your middle school band.

53. You might be a redneck... You wake up with both a hickey and a black eye.

54. You might be a redneck... Your mom tells you how to sneak moonshine into church.

55. You might be a redneck... If your dog rides up front in your pickup truck with you... and your wife sits in the back.

56. You might be a redneck... If you use your fishing license when an officer asks you for I.D.

57. You might be a redneck... If you have a color-coordinating piece of rope to keep your pickup truck hood closed.

58. You might be a redneck... If any of your children are named after the a character on the Dukes of Hazard.

59. You might be a redneck... If your cousin whom you brag has a fancy job in the entertainment business... is a rodeo clown.

60. You might be a redneck... If you ever tried to drown a fish..

61. You might be a redneck... If you think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

62. You might be a redneck... If your solution to your car leaking and dripping a little oil from the engine is to put a piece of cardboard under the engine...

Well, based on the above, and especially #62, I'm pretty sure that I might just be a redneck!

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